The Lord has been teaching me some things this year that I'm not sure I can adequately put into words - but I'm going to make the attempt because that often helps me process these lessons. Those of you who actually read this post get to come along for the ride - I apologize in advance for the bumps and swerves!
It begins with feeling weaker than I can ever remember feeling in my life. I don't usually think of myself as weak, but this year, in almost every area - emotionally, spiritually, physically - I have felt weak, helpless, needy - fragile.
Hmmm... fragile. That word haunts me on a daily basis, it seems. Some days are better than others, and on those days, it doesn't rise to the surface. But the other days - it envelops my mind and will and nearly paralyzes me. I find on the worst days that not only do I have no motivation to do what needs to be done, but even little things like climbing stairs and smiling hello to students are more than I can accomplish. On those days, I feel as though someone pulled the plug and completely drained my resevoir of any spiritual or emotional strength - which then leaves me feeling physically drained, as well. I find on those days, I have nothing to offer anyone around me - no wisdom, no kindness, no compassion, no encouragement, no help. I search myself over and over because I want to offer something, but it is always the same. Nothing. Emptiness.
A wise friend encouraged me to take this season of frailty one day at a time - and that has become my only hope. Only, instead of one day at a time, I often have to take it one situation, one class period, one interaction at a time - and each time, I have to ask the Lord to come for me, to meet me there in those circumstances and to grant me what I do not have - be it wisdom, kindness, compassion, encouragement, help or whatever is needed.
The amazing, thrilling part of it is - He does come. Every single time. By the end of the day, I look back, awed at what has been accomplished because I know that I did none of it. I can take no credit for any of it. And in this process of training me to depend on His strength, He has begun teaching me a few other lessons.
The first is about being vulnerable and opening up to allow others to come alongside and offer their help and encouragement. This is a hard one - one I'm still working on - and probably will be learning for a long time. It's not easy to admit, after five years of teaching and loving what I do, that I dread facing another day in the classroom. It's not easy to admit that some days I need time alone more than an outing with friends or time with students I care about. It's not easy to admit I can't continue organizing and coordinating and planning all of the things I've done for several years now - that I need someone else to take over some of my pet projects. It's not easy to admit that I simply need to rest when others are busy holding things together at school. All of these things are embarrassing, and have opened my eyes to both fear and pride in my life.
The next lesson is about glorifying God. This same wise friend gave me a card in which she wrote about realizing how often she prays for safety and restored health - and never once considers whether she is praying for God's glory in the process. It has made me stop and think about my motivation for the things I do. Do I push through this weakness and emptiness because it's expected of me, and I want people to notice me doing my part - or because I want God to be glorified in my weakness? Do I pray for safety and health and restored relationships because it hurts me too much to see others suffering - or because I want to see God glorified in those situations? It has made me ask over and over - am I willing to do whatever is necessary to glorify God in my life - no matter what it costs me? Am I willing to continue feeling fragile if it means that He will be glorified in me? Am I willing to allow others to take over what I can no longer handle and watch them receive the credit for my ideas if it means that He is glorified in me? Am I willing to step back, to rest and by all appearances, to give up ministry and service, if it means that He is glorified in me? Am I willing to risk the disapproval of people I respect in order to be obedient to the Lord when by all logic what He's asking of me appears foolish - if it means that He is glorified in me?
Hard questions, some of which are still unanswered in my heart if I am honest. Once again, He has shown me pockets of fear and pride that I continue to hold onto, like a child stubbornly refusing to let go of what her Father knows will kill her. And He gently continues to strip away the things that have kept me going in my own strength and allowed me to function without absolute dependence on Him so that sooner or later I will have to open my hands and let go of my pride and fear in order to truly cling to Him. How I both dread and long for that day all at once!
There are other lessons - lessons about things like trusting His goodness and His heart towards me when I cannot fathom what He is doing in my life, discerning when adding another responsibility is an opportunity for Him to display His strength in my weakness and when it is just busy work that others would put on me, and allowing Him to love others who hurt me or my loved ones through me when I have no love for that person in my heart. As always, He is refining, polishing, purifying - and the process is painful. But I look forward to the finished product, when Christ is increased and I am decreased...!
It begins with feeling weaker than I can ever remember feeling in my life. I don't usually think of myself as weak, but this year, in almost every area - emotionally, spiritually, physically - I have felt weak, helpless, needy - fragile.
Hmmm... fragile. That word haunts me on a daily basis, it seems. Some days are better than others, and on those days, it doesn't rise to the surface. But the other days - it envelops my mind and will and nearly paralyzes me. I find on the worst days that not only do I have no motivation to do what needs to be done, but even little things like climbing stairs and smiling hello to students are more than I can accomplish. On those days, I feel as though someone pulled the plug and completely drained my resevoir of any spiritual or emotional strength - which then leaves me feeling physically drained, as well. I find on those days, I have nothing to offer anyone around me - no wisdom, no kindness, no compassion, no encouragement, no help. I search myself over and over because I want to offer something, but it is always the same. Nothing. Emptiness.
A wise friend encouraged me to take this season of frailty one day at a time - and that has become my only hope. Only, instead of one day at a time, I often have to take it one situation, one class period, one interaction at a time - and each time, I have to ask the Lord to come for me, to meet me there in those circumstances and to grant me what I do not have - be it wisdom, kindness, compassion, encouragement, help or whatever is needed.
The amazing, thrilling part of it is - He does come. Every single time. By the end of the day, I look back, awed at what has been accomplished because I know that I did none of it. I can take no credit for any of it. And in this process of training me to depend on His strength, He has begun teaching me a few other lessons.
The first is about being vulnerable and opening up to allow others to come alongside and offer their help and encouragement. This is a hard one - one I'm still working on - and probably will be learning for a long time. It's not easy to admit, after five years of teaching and loving what I do, that I dread facing another day in the classroom. It's not easy to admit that some days I need time alone more than an outing with friends or time with students I care about. It's not easy to admit I can't continue organizing and coordinating and planning all of the things I've done for several years now - that I need someone else to take over some of my pet projects. It's not easy to admit that I simply need to rest when others are busy holding things together at school. All of these things are embarrassing, and have opened my eyes to both fear and pride in my life.
The next lesson is about glorifying God. This same wise friend gave me a card in which she wrote about realizing how often she prays for safety and restored health - and never once considers whether she is praying for God's glory in the process. It has made me stop and think about my motivation for the things I do. Do I push through this weakness and emptiness because it's expected of me, and I want people to notice me doing my part - or because I want God to be glorified in my weakness? Do I pray for safety and health and restored relationships because it hurts me too much to see others suffering - or because I want to see God glorified in those situations? It has made me ask over and over - am I willing to do whatever is necessary to glorify God in my life - no matter what it costs me? Am I willing to continue feeling fragile if it means that He will be glorified in me? Am I willing to allow others to take over what I can no longer handle and watch them receive the credit for my ideas if it means that He is glorified in me? Am I willing to step back, to rest and by all appearances, to give up ministry and service, if it means that He is glorified in me? Am I willing to risk the disapproval of people I respect in order to be obedient to the Lord when by all logic what He's asking of me appears foolish - if it means that He is glorified in me?
Hard questions, some of which are still unanswered in my heart if I am honest. Once again, He has shown me pockets of fear and pride that I continue to hold onto, like a child stubbornly refusing to let go of what her Father knows will kill her. And He gently continues to strip away the things that have kept me going in my own strength and allowed me to function without absolute dependence on Him so that sooner or later I will have to open my hands and let go of my pride and fear in order to truly cling to Him. How I both dread and long for that day all at once!
There are other lessons - lessons about things like trusting His goodness and His heart towards me when I cannot fathom what He is doing in my life, discerning when adding another responsibility is an opportunity for Him to display His strength in my weakness and when it is just busy work that others would put on me, and allowing Him to love others who hurt me or my loved ones through me when I have no love for that person in my heart. As always, He is refining, polishing, purifying - and the process is painful. But I look forward to the finished product, when Christ is increased and I am decreased...!
